new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
