drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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