I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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