i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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