I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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