i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
