It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
