I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
