I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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