Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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