I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
