I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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