Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just pee around me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
