i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
