I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
