It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
