Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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