omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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