it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
