I cockslap morals
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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