by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I have tasted many bathrooms
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
