I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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