So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
