I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
