he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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