when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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