im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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