The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
