I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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