so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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