When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
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I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
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