the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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