just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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