great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
