Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize