if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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