She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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