If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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