It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
