is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
