The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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