my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
God, I missed his penis.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
