Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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