Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
