Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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