He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
