finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
