I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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