If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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