My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
