I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
