Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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